The One Where I Ran Out Of Money
I never expected the road to be easy by any means. There are plenty of things in my life that have proven to me that in no way does life get better -- it merely continues. I never, however, expected it to be so difficult to get a job, literally ANY job, after receiving my college degree. Now I must be fair and issue a clear benefit of the doubt to employers who took one look at a "Communication Studies" degree and thought - what does that mean? To be honest, I'm not sure if I could even answer that question.
With each rejection, the whisper that has echoed through the walls of my head for years -- you're not enough -- once again sweeps through the corners of my mind. In this moment, life is not easy. I blame is on the rhetoric of poor Christian sub-cultures that often say that if we are faithful -- He will provide. I understand the Biblical accuracy of this type of thinking -- but it sets us up to believe that each hardship might have been a result of "not being faithful" at an earlier time. Not to carry my own banner, but I've been doing this Christian ministry stuff or whatever you want to call it for a few years and I'm still waiting on this "better end" that the church kept promising me if I didn't have sex before marriage and went to a Christian college and found a good man.
I want to be careful of our language. We sometimes text un-prophetic claims of encouragement to others in hopes that it will make someone feel better. The intention is good, but the connection is lost. People want to be affirmed that life sucks. By cutting all the other shit out, we can get to the root of it all that says -- we are so homesick for heaven. As I face being ripped away from college friends as we await our pending graduation, entering into a long-distance relationship, and fight my way through Los Angeles to get any job busing tables -- I find myself aching for the togetherness that occurs in the next world. These moments always come to remind me that life will never get better -- there won't be a day were I will be faithful enough and be financial stable -- none of that is promised. In order to not end this on a melodramatic note: I am promised to be loved. To be seen in the sadness and embrace the mess that is life. From there we find the beauty of hardships and that each chapter of our story creates a better character.